“Suffering In Silence”

By Tondrea Giles July 13th, 2019

with Depression & Suicide you can’t always see what’s happening emotionally and or mentally with someone on the inside. This is why i titled this article “Suffering in silence.” In most cases it’s hard to recognize symptoms and or diagnose depression especially in adolescents. With depression most adults expect adolescents to act moody. in addition adolescents have difficulty expressing their feelings very well, they may not be aware of the symptoms of depression and may not seek help. 

I suffered with depression for many years I walked in plain sight of my family and peers. I went to school and church faithfully and no one ever knew how much I was suffering. depression for me started in middle school (sixth grade). I remember always wanting to be accepted, wanting to be liked by others, I felt empty on the inside, like something was missing. I recall having mood swings; one moment i was happy and the next moment extremely sad feeling sorry for myself. I was young so I didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. i had no traumatic experiences in my life at that time that would explain my emotions and why was I feeling this way all the time. So, I did what most people do; I began acting out the feelings I was having, and I began hanging with the wrong people!!! Easily distracted during school, fell behind in my class work, always seeking attention from others, I even tried being a class clown to get attention, I got a kick out of making people laugh I felt like it was the only thing I had going for myself at the time so why not? It seemed like I was always doing negative things just to fit in, I honestly tried to control my actions but I just couldn't, it felt like something was controlling me and I had no explanation as to why.   

During the time when I was growing up most people didn’t understand depression and or suicide, it was a topic that was NEVER discussed at home, school or church. My parents only assumed I was a rebellious child, never did they know I was struggling emotionally and mentally hurting on the inside, not to mention our family had little to no communication skills whatsoever. We didn’t sit down to talk and have family discussions about life and/or issues. when we had a problem or felt a certain way about things we didn’t have platform to communicate freely. we kept our thoughts feelings and emotions on the inside. Being unable to express myself this created a habitat in my mind of negative thinking.The negative thoughts I began having intensified over the years. I was a complete wreck; I was constantly thinking to myself “I have the worse life” “where are these thoughts coming from ?” and “why am I feeling this way?” I thought this way for so long that I believed my thoughts and it became normal for me.

Fast forward: by the time i was in High School I was completely out of control being extremely reckless, skipping school for days at a time. I had become extremely angry and defiant. I began writing in a journal daily, I wrote “I HATE MYSELF,” “I HATE MY LIFE” in bold letters. Then one day I said something I will never forget I blurted out these words, I said “I WISH I WAS DEAD!” After I said those words out loud things for me got worse; I had just confessed DEATH over my life and immediately the thoughts of suicide began.

“Words are able to save life and to cause death. so you must accept the result of what you say” Proverbs 18:21 (easy Translation)

I heard these words constantly in my head and I didn't know how to make it stop:

“No one loves you,” “No one will miss you,”  “I wish I was dead,”  “I hate myself,”

“I hate my life,” “I wish I were never born,” “I should kill myself,” “Make them pay”

My life was so reckless during this time I did crazy dangerous things. I was completely out of control. I remember running away from home. I did things like that a lot with no explanation as to why. I only knew I was hurting, and in pain all the time with thoughts in my head telling me “run away never come back.” I honestly thought I hated my life; I had no concern of how my actions were hurting my parents. and how my parents were feeling during this time. my only thought was to hurt them the way I was hurting and make them pay! I blamed my parents for everything wrong in my life. At the time I was angry with my mom I felt she never spoke up for me. I felt she didn’t know me at all, I was angry at my dad for being so strict. I could tell my parents were extremely frustrated with me. they did not know what to do with me, but looking back now i know my parents were angry because they actually DID CARE! they just didn’t know how to handle what I was going through. my siblings were not behaving this way, so clearly the problem was me. so like most parents the situation was handled out of frustration most of time yelling or screaming. I was given punishments and I was chastised very often. nothing they tried worked and my behavior got worse. 

After suffering for years with no end in sight at the age of sixteen things erupted for me. I decided to take my own life, I attempted suicide. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in school and I kept hearing all day “kill your self” “no one will miss you.”I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided this is it! I came home from school ran to the bathroom medicine cabinet grabbed a bottle of pills and I took the entire bottle of pills. I had no fear when I took the pills, I was in so much pain emotionally, I was hurting all over. The emotional pain was so devastating to me at the time I actually began to feel physical pain in my body and I wanted this pain to STOP! I was convinced I was doing the right thing by killing myself. I thought all of my pain would go away and I would not suffer anymore. After I swallowed the pills I went in my bedroom sat on my bed I decided to lie down and I prayed to God “please let me die!” This was the ultimate low for me, one of the darkest moments of my life. I was mentally and emotionally unstable, a TICKING TIME BOMB and no one ever knew it, my parents had NO idea I attempted suicide on that day. I felt so alone during this time, it seemed like no one cared or understood me. But a miracle took place that night I swallowed the entire bottle of pills, and nothing happened to me. I didn't require my stomach getting pumped, I was not rushed to the hospital; I didn't even black out. I remember after I swallowed the pills as I laid down, I could feel my body warming up, I became extremely hot, I was sweating, and my heart was racing so fast. I was breathing extremely hard, and my head was pounding. I remember thinking to myself, “this is it”,  “it’s going to happen.” little did I know God immediately dispatched an angel over me to protect me and remove all of the toxins being released in my body to keep me from harm. I had a purpose in life and I didn't know it at the time.

The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Me taking my life was not apart of Gods plan. my life was preserved for a purpose to bring others hope, to help them during tough and difficult times, to share the Love of Christ with every person I come in contact with. God Blessed me with a beautiful family and friends who I absolutely Love and adore. life to me is so precious. Years later, I found out the depression I experienced was a result of my family history of mental illness and depression. my grandmother, my mother, my sister, and other family members all dealt with depression. due Unfortunately, no one in my family ever discussed or dealt with it, it was passed on to me. I realize now I did nothing wrong and no one was to blame. my family just didn't know how to deal with it. 

I had no idea I was struggling with depression until one day I was watching a TV commercial and the commercial asked a question are you sad ? Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself? If you are experiencing this you may be suffering from depression, and a light bulb went off in my head, oh my God! I have depression? Why was this the first time I ever heard of depression and how did this happen to me? I had no idea, I suffered in silence so many years not knowing how to handle what I was going through.The depression continued into my young adult years, I only attempted suicide once but struggled there after emotionally.

So how did I overcome Depression/Suicide?: 

● I prayed to God to help me - I got so tired of my thinking feeling sorry for myself all the time thinking I had the worst life - everything always negative. 

● I had to be honest with myself I had problems - (stop blaming others)

● I admitted I needed help - Talk with a professional counselor, physician, pastor, parents etc. 

● I accepted the help that was given to me. God sent people who understood what I was going through to coach/mentor me through during this difficult time - no judgement, no condemnation

● I had to understand the root of my depression and suicide only God can reveal.

● I began reading my bible consistently. I needed to find out who I was in Christ & learn my identity

● Through faith I believed and applied God’s word to my life daily, taking one day at a time

● GOD’S  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ME! Saved my soul!

“God loved the people in the world so much that he gave his one and only son on thier behalf. so, as a result, everyone who believes in the Son will not die. Instead, they will live forever with God.” John 3:16

 Today I no longer suffer in silence I’m free to be who God has called me to be. I have learned my identity in Christ. “I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST.”Now that I’m free from depression/suicide I live my life intentionally with a purpose of serving God with everything I have, I have dedicated my life to serving the youth-young adults to coach and mentor through life. No situation is insignificant or no big deal to God. he loves us unconditionally, and wants us to be free. he wants us to Live our lives with a purpose. you could be dealing with, Being Molested, Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal), Divorced Parents, Addiction, Rape, Homelessness, Pregnancy, Low Self Esteem,  Identity Issues, Abandonment, Anxiety, Rejection, generational curse, it does not matter! God wants us free and he wants us to Live our Life on purpose!

 If you or you know someone who may be experiencing depression/suicidal thoughts seek help immediately from a counselor, teacher, parent, pastor, mentor, physician

To learn more about depression and symptoms and warnings log on to:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/depression-teens

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255